Hi, I’m James, and I’m an addict. (Insert chorus of “Hi James”). I’m addicted to McChickens. The McChicken has long been both a curse and a blessing for the select few who are brave enough to say those five simple words: “I’ll have six McChickens please.” First of all, there is no ordering just one McChicken. Alcoholics don’t have just one beer. Either you avoid the McChicken altogether, or you throw your hands up in the air, disgusted with yourself for ordering six at a time. You’re going to feel miserable afterwards, you might as well enjoy the process. There are several things about McChickens that can lead down the path of a degenerate. The most brutal part of addiction is the mayonnaise (for clarity’s sake we’ll call it mayonnaise even though I’m pretty sure Miracle Whip would threaten to sue if it was listed as an ingredient). The mayonnaise would be better classified as heroin on a bun. It is so addicting that going long periods without McChickens can give you what we addicts call the McSweats. Much like heroin users, McAddicts can go into withdrawal if they’re deprived of McChickens. The McSweats can happen at any time. Your body will go through wild temperature swings, and all you will be able to think about is your next fix. In fact, going long enough without eating a McChicken can lead to wandering on the street like Ron Burgundy, or crying in a McDonalds bathroom stall with mayonnaise smeared on your face.

Ron Burgundy trying to drown his McChicken woes with sour milk.

Eating McChickens, while giving a momentary high, inevitably leads to a huge crash. McDonalds, while evil enough to sell them to the public, at least has the decency to not sell McChickens on their breakfast menu. If they did, McAddicts would never be able to start the day. Eating a McChicken in the morning is basically telling yourself, “Well, there’s no point in showering today.” The mayonnaise makes you surrender any and all ambitions. The self-loathing and worthlessness you feel post-McChicken is never worse than when the “ingredients” lay siege to your intestines. In this worst-case scenario, the mayonnaise from a McChicken looks the same coming out as it did going in. A common misconception is that the McSweats occur immediately after ingesting a half-dozen McChickens, but those symptoms are better classified as diarrhea and general misery. So think twice at the window. Don’t let the shiny golden arches and the 99 cent price tag fool you. If you can’t control yourself, order extra napkins – for before, during and after the meal.