Well, I decided to start blogging. If you are going to be reading this blog regularly, there’s a high chance you are either a) my mother or b) masochistic. I’m not sure how often I’ll update this, but at least if I get bored it won’t end up decomposing underneath my bed like my last attempt at a journal. Anyways, with my inaugural post, I would like to begin by asking the age old question: Why do parents give their children unisex names? My television viewing experience is pretty much limited to 24/7 ESPN, so I’m not sure if this is the case on other networks, but there is a Domino’s Pizza commercial airing right now that plays all the time. Like, all the time.

In this commercial, we’re introduced to Jess, a Domino’s employee who is super excited about pizza. The enthusiasm isn’t the problem. I actually like Domino’s. The problem is that in addition to their new feedback system, Domino’s also unveiled their new male/female hybrid employees. I could not tell for the life of me if Jess was a male or female. I’ve seen this commercial dozens of times, and every time it came on I tried to look for any subtle clues that would point me to Jess’s gender. Like any other problem, I decided to tackle this dilemma the best way I could. I analyzed the different parts of Jess’s appearance and demeanor and assigned male or female points for each. Let’s break this down:

1) The name is about as unisex as it gets. Sam, Alex and Sidney could conceivably be worse, but the name Jess isn’t exactly a neon sign proclaiming gender one way or another. My first impression was Jess is a girl’s name. 2 Girl points.

2) The hairstyle leaves a lot to be desired. Jess has his/her hair spiked on top, with the hat resting on the hair almost in a cocky way. The rest of the hair is short and relatively trim. The hairstyle is decidedly “butch”, but in its essence gives off a male vibe. Which was the point either way, I guess. 3 Guy points.

3) The voice sounds like a female. Slightly gruff, but female nonetheless. It could pass for a prepubescent boy, but other than the hairstyle, Jess looks to have grown out of that phase. 4 Girl points.

4) However, as one of my friends pointed out, if you watch the commercial on mute, Jess is a guy. 5 Guy points.

5) Besides Jess, the commercial features Jose, the store manager. It would seem overkill to have two dudes so excited about pizza working in the same store, so I assume Dominos wants to get out the message that pizza is for girls too. 2 Girl points.

All in all, Jess has earned 8 Guy points and 8 Girl points, meaning we’re no closer to learning the truth than we were before. Lucky for you, I know how to use Google. It turns out Jess has a facebook fan page celebrating Jess’s inclusion in a Domino’s commercial as a landmark achievement for…lesbians. Yes, Jess is female. See, I wasn’t surprised to find out that Jess was a homosexual, I just wanted to know what side of the fence Jess was doubling down on. I also wanted to throw some kudos out to Domino’s for raising awareness of this unisex naming problem. I’m sure there’s a facebook page somewhere for that.