Archive for September, 2011


Hi, I’m James, and I’m an addict. (Insert chorus of “Hi James”). I’m addicted to McChickens. The McChicken has long been both a curse and a blessing for the select few who are brave enough to say those five simple words: “I’ll have six McChickens please.” First of all, there is no ordering just one McChicken. Alcoholics don’t have just one beer. Either you avoid the McChicken altogether, or you throw your hands up in the air, disgusted with yourself for ordering six at a time. You’re going to feel miserable afterwards, you might as well enjoy the process. There are several things about McChickens that can lead down the path of a degenerate. The most brutal part of addiction is the mayonnaise (for clarity’s sake we’ll call it mayonnaise even though I’m pretty sure Miracle Whip would threaten to sue if it was listed as an ingredient). The mayonnaise would be better classified as heroin on a bun. It is so addicting that going long periods without McChickens can give you what we addicts call the McSweats. Much like heroin users, McAddicts can go into withdrawal if they’re deprived of McChickens. The McSweats can happen at any time. Your body will go through wild temperature swings, and all you will be able to think about is your next fix. In fact, going long enough without eating a McChicken can lead to wandering on the street like Ron Burgundy, or crying in a McDonalds bathroom stall with mayonnaise smeared on your face.

Ron Burgundy trying to drown his McChicken woes with sour milk.

Eating McChickens, while giving a momentary high, inevitably leads to a huge crash. McDonalds, while evil enough to sell them to the public, at least has the decency to not sell McChickens on their breakfast menu. If they did, McAddicts would never be able to start the day. Eating a McChicken in the morning is basically telling yourself, “Well, there’s no point in showering today.” The mayonnaise makes you surrender any and all ambitions. The self-loathing and worthlessness you feel post-McChicken is never worse than when the “ingredients” lay siege to your intestines. In this worst-case scenario, the mayonnaise from a McChicken looks the same coming out as it did going in. A common misconception is that the McSweats occur immediately after ingesting a half-dozen McChickens, but those symptoms are better classified as diarrhea and general misery. So think twice at the window. Don’t let the shiny golden arches and the 99 cent price tag fool you. If you can’t control yourself, order extra napkins – for before, during and after the meal.

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I’m an enormous Oklahoma Sooners fan. So naturally, I was puzzled when rumors started flying about that Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas and Texas Tech were possibly leaving for the Pac-12 conference. Sure, there’s more money to be made, but the Pac-12 makes no sense for the Sooners. First of all, we would be joining the conference that screwed us out of a BCS bowl game in 2006 with the worst call by a replay officiating crew in college football history:

Since I linked that video, let me spend a few seconds bitterly complaining about it again.

1. Oregon touched the ball first, before it crossed the 10-yard mark.

2. Oklahoma recovered the football (Allen Patrick #23, gets up with the football).

3. The moronic officiating crew quickly looked around, saw that the Oregon players were celebrating, the crowd was cheering, and decided that was enough evidence for them to declare Oregon possession.

4. The even more moronic replay officials watched 5 minutes of replays showing Oregon players celebrating and relayed to the officiating crew that Oregon indeed seemed too excited to not have gained possession.

5. Dan Fouts, the announcer in the video, says it’s a terrible call. Oh, and Fouts is an Oregon alum.

Secondly, OU has virtually no history with any schools in the Pac-12. Sure, it would be awesome to see Utah host Oklahoma in a conference game (just so I could go in person), but I don’t care about any other schools in the Pac-12. On the other hand, I hate Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M (which recently defected to the SEC), Oklahoma State, and a handful of other Big 12 schools with a passion. Watching Texas struggle to a losing record last year was supremely gratifying. Even though I was too young to remember most of the glory days of the Oklahoma-Nebraska rivalry, I was still sad to see them move to the Big 10 conference. In the end, rivalries are what’s most fun about college football. I like hating my opponents. I like being able to gloat that Oklahoma is to Oklahoma State as Cesar Millan is to dogs. You have to show the dog who’s boss. Without any of the history tying the schools together, college football would be pretty boring. So I hope Oklahoma and all its surrounding schools stay in the Big 12, where replay officials wear contacts.

Could Jess Be Any More Ambiguous?

Well, I decided to start blogging. If you are going to be reading this blog regularly, there’s a high chance you are either a) my mother or b) masochistic. I’m not sure how often I’ll update this, but at least if I get bored it won’t end up decomposing underneath my bed like my last attempt at a journal. Anyways, with my inaugural post, I would like to begin by asking the age old question: Why do parents give their children unisex names? My television viewing experience is pretty much limited to 24/7 ESPN, so I’m not sure if this is the case on other networks, but there is a Domino’s Pizza commercial airing right now that plays all the time. Like, all the time.

In this commercial, we’re introduced to Jess, a Domino’s employee who is super excited about pizza. The enthusiasm isn’t the problem. I actually like Domino’s. The problem is that in addition to their new feedback system, Domino’s also unveiled their new male/female hybrid employees. I could not tell for the life of me if Jess was a male or female. I’ve seen this commercial dozens of times, and every time it came on I tried to look for any subtle clues that would point me to Jess’s gender. Like any other problem, I decided to tackle this dilemma the best way I could. I analyzed the different parts of Jess’s appearance and demeanor and assigned male or female points for each. Let’s break this down:

1) The name is about as unisex as it gets. Sam, Alex and Sidney could conceivably be worse, but the name Jess isn’t exactly a neon sign proclaiming gender one way or another. My first impression was Jess is a girl’s name. 2 Girl points.

2) The hairstyle leaves a lot to be desired. Jess has his/her hair spiked on top, with the hat resting on the hair almost in a cocky way. The rest of the hair is short and relatively trim. The hairstyle is decidedly “butch”, but in its essence gives off a male vibe. Which was the point either way, I guess. 3 Guy points.

3) The voice sounds like a female. Slightly gruff, but female nonetheless. It could pass for a prepubescent boy, but other than the hairstyle, Jess looks to have grown out of that phase. 4 Girl points.

4) However, as one of my friends pointed out, if you watch the commercial on mute, Jess is a guy. 5 Guy points.

5) Besides Jess, the commercial features Jose, the store manager. It would seem overkill to have two dudes so excited about pizza working in the same store, so I assume Dominos wants to get out the message that pizza is for girls too. 2 Girl points.

All in all, Jess has earned 8 Guy points and 8 Girl points, meaning we’re no closer to learning the truth than we were before. Lucky for you, I know how to use Google. It turns out Jess has a facebook fan page celebrating Jess’s inclusion in a Domino’s commercial as a landmark achievement for…lesbians. Yes, Jess is female. See, I wasn’t surprised to find out that Jess was a homosexual, I just wanted to know what side of the fence Jess was doubling down on. I also wanted to throw some kudos out to Domino’s for raising awareness of this unisex naming problem. I’m sure there’s a facebook page somewhere for that.